I want to give you hope this morning as I reflect on the last few weeks. I have four boys ages 22-14 years old all with their own differences. Parenting adolescents can be a difficult job, while I have no experience parenting girls, I do know a thing or two about male adolescence. My 17 year old in the last few months has become extremely pleasant to be around and our relationship enjoyable.

I say this, to give us all hope, for it has been years that it has been very difficult living with him in this stage. Teenage boys go through a distinct immersion of emotional change during this time that includes anger directed towards adults, defensiveness, secrets, tension and some unexplainable non-working choices. My oldest boys went through this stage, one for a period of 4-6 months, the other for about 6-8 months.

Life circumstances such as separation, divorce, stress, difficulties at school, all create more drama and lengthen the process, it seems, of young men emerging from the boys we once knew. One of the things I think of as my youngest now goes through a very “angry at mom” phase is that he is coming into his own.

Teens are becoming brilliant and stepping into adult life; they need to carve out an identity and create meaning for themselves. The synapses of the brain are growing and changing to be able to understand abstract concepts and higher level thinking and problem solving. Adolescents are learning how to own their choices and their power to make them. When I focus on these things and I look at the wonderful young men in my life and our relationships, I can live with tolerance and understanding seeing the light at the end of the turmoil tunnel.

Being with a teen through these challenges is difficult, understanding is fleeting, patience is stretched, boundaries are crossed, emotions get heated… and underneath it all is a young, whole, capable adult is emerging in his brilliance! It is a marvel!

BE- patient

It used to be that chewing gum and talking in class were the biggest problems facing teachers. Now we hear about pregnancy and gang violence. As an educator I find that this is a problem, yet it is not the biggest problem facing teachers. The biggest problem that I see facing not only teachers, but also parents currently is passive defiance. That is when a student is given an assignment and they just refuse to do it. They do not necessarily create problems in the classroom. They just refuse to do their assignments.  

Teachers and parents deal with this all of the time. We encourage, we nag, yet without consequences this falls on deaf ears. There is no consequences for many of these students. They have video games, entertainment, phones and all kinds of privileges that parents can take away for leverage. Yet teachers have less and less leverage, and little that is not punitive. Frankly, many of our students not only do not care about their grades, they do not seem to care if they graduate.

As adults we have much more power than we own, we buy a lot of leverage for these kids. We are not required to provide entertainment, rides and phone priviledges to kids.We can start by owning that leverage and being the adults we mean to be. Say what you expect once clearly and walk away, give a consequence once without a long explanation. Kids get it!

Blessings,

BE -adult